Yep, exactly what the title says.
I've started to realise that, no, I've known it for quite a long time, I just never really wanted to admit it.
I know I have quite a lot of friends (not trying to boast here), but I guess that just makes everything harder and worse. You see, when you meet someone, they can be the nicest girl in your whole year.
And they could change in a few years, just with a snap.
I have a friend, obviously not going to be named here, so let's just call her Fish. It's just a name, I don't want to be mean to fish!!
Okay, so in year six (you turn 11 that year) I made friends with Fish. We weren't very close, but now as I look back at it, I think her and the rest of the girls in the gang only befriended me because they pitied me.
When I was in year six and before, I wasn't exactly what people call automatic beauty -you know those girls that can be pretty whenever- , I still had my baby fat (yes, I still had it!) and wasn't very fit.
I should probably explain as well, that in Hong Kong people are still racist in some way. Definitely not like how it was it the old days, of course.
It was more of those 'brown hair blond hair' things. Basically, if you were what is known as a 'westerner' you had the upper hand. Even if you were a mix you'd still be tolerated, and if people liked you, it was like an instant pass to the top. However, others that weren't Eurasian or Western, it would be rather hard fitting in.
Before we continue, can I just say that I know how racist this sounds, and anyone reading this who is finding this or anything else I type offencive, I just want to make sure you understand that this isn't from my point of view, I'm just explaining what my life was and is.
Now, I have two people who I call my best friends, but if I was honest I'd say I was closer to only one of them, thankfully I still am. In year five us three were happy in our own little bubble. In fact, then, I had developed a crush on a guy, who I can't name, but I'll call him attic because apparently his name had meant attic. Ignore Fish right now, because she doesn't appear till later sorry!
Attic was the first guy to ever befriend me, and this was quite a surprise for me because no guy had ever tried, especially since I was still a tiny bit chubby.
(I think the only reason he was nice was because I was nice back to him, while some girls still had the cootie thing going on, not many, but still quite a lot in my class.)
Attic had greenish-blue eyes and blond hair. He was sporty and I'm pretty sure he still is, and was rather popular even though popularity only started at the end of the year. But I'll get to that later.
A few rumours had been going on about how he thought, -and this is really embarrassing to say- I was the prettiest girl in the year, or house. No, not like that house, haha. We have these groups in school called houses, which are four colours and people from every year are divided into each house, and we'd have chants and sports days, which is why the houses were created.
Me and Attic were both in the same house, yellow as well as my super close best friend.
So it was hard to not fall for him. I remember how we used to be pretty close, which is probably why even now I can remember so many things about Attic.
I'd love to talk and talk about those bittersweet memories with Attic, but like they say, all good things come to an end.
Long story short, we grew apart in year six (he wasn't in my class then), Attic became a huge jerk obsessed with popularity and dated a few girls.
It's safe to say I felt like utter crap for a long time.
Okay, now I know you're wondering, dating??? At eleven years old??
Remember how I said popularity started at the end of year five?
That was when the first couple was created, and these two aren't so important, but I'll give them names anyway, Nut-toffee and X-men. They became super duper popular, especially X-men (the guy) who had many connections/friends with the older years because of his sporty self.
Nut-toffee was also very sporty, so I guess they truly were a perfect match.
Of course, then everyone treated Nut-toffee like a queen. It was like some terribly cliche high school movie pushed into year sixes.
Then Nut-toffee's sporty best friend began dating, and soon a whole chain because they all wanted to fit in, same with the guys.
All my friends who were in the gang were 'dating' someone, all except for me. The italic is not out of bitterness or anger, but it's more out of sadness to be honest. Of course, I pushed away the sadness and acted like I was someone that thought all guys were disgusting, because I didn't want people to laugh at me for not dating someone, because I guess that meant you were ugly and un-date able. That never happened, bullying in International schools in HK is pretty rare.
I actually find it so so stupid and I find myself ashamed of the things I did back then, it was nothing bad, it just makes me feel ashamed of myself when I think back to it.
In my primary school I felt like a slave to my so-called friends who I think used to pity me back then for being rather un-attractive. I know I shouldn't be shunning myself, and I really don't want to seem like those girls who do this for attention, trust me I'm not.
Over the summer break to year seven and in that year, I began losing my baby fat and gained a bit more confidence. A bit, but it was better.
I might make another post on my year six school life, the bad things and the good stuff, if I want or if you guys want to know about it. :S
By the way, Nut-toffee moved to Singapore and although I missed her a bit (we were friends, not close friends but still friends.) I was glad of not having a ruler on everyone.
Let's get Fish back into the story. Fish has blond, long straight hair and huge green eyes. Quite a few people worship her, and I know some that would become her personal dog if they could. She's a huge gossip queen, but even though people know this, she still somehow gets them to trust her.
Being bluntly honest, she isn't the prettiest girl around, I guess it's the whole 'blond' thing that makes everyone in awe of her. Yep, people in HK (at least the ones I know) are still racist in their little way.
I'm in year eight now, and if I was honest she changed so much, I wouldn't recognise her as the same Fish that became my friend in year six.
Now, she's turning more and more into someone I really don't like.
She uses people who aren't ''important'', and sticks to those who are.
I'm in the middle, I know. There are times where I'm the one holding the crystal ball, but most of the time I am just a piece of chess.
What's irking me the most is that she's now acting so above there, it's so unlike her. I know popularity does strange things to people, but I just wouldn't have expected it from Fish I guess.
I obviously can't avoid Fish though, I have her in most of my classes so it's pretty much impossible.
I have another close friend in a lot of my classes, and I'll name her Emate. Emotional hater. She hates, hates, hates talking about any problems I have with her and will try her best to escape from any deep messages people tell her when they've got problems with Emate, mostly exclusion, me being one of those people.
I'll give you guys one last story, all about Fish and Emate. I get that my names are weird, but......I've got nothing to back myself up with so I'll just start.
Fish and her best friend have a crush on a guy called Han. Well, her best friend had the crush first (Nut-Toffee's old best friend before she moved), but was rejected numerous times subtly.
This is in year eight, by the way.
The only thing the two arguing girls don't see is that Han's heart already belongs to a girl....called Emate. Eventually they do find out, but it was Fish who took it the hardest.
Fish, though still has hidden feelings for Han, but because she knows there's nothing she can do about it, she does the much-used move that many girls do. She becomes closer with Emate, until they share secrets to spit.
Nah, Emate's got a phobia of other people's saliva like me. You get what I mean though, right?
I also want to point out the Emate looks fully Chinese like me, even though she claims she's french, Filipino and a few others as well as Chinese. Han is pretty much fully Chinese, although he claims he's some British or something, can't exactly remember. The reason though, many girls were and are crushing on him is because, oh yes, the old sport label. Because he's one of the fastest guys in our year. Yes. Just because of that. Not because he's a jerk, cocky or takes things for granted or anything like that, no. Even if he was the rudest ignorant guy there was, I bet those girls would still be fawning over him.
Being bluntly honest again, he isn't even that good looking! Attic could really top him (not due to race, I promise ;D) if he was in this school.
I just want to thank whatever I'm supposed to thank, that people aren't being as racist as before, but now it's just being nice to those like Emate.
What really gets me upset and pissed -more upset though- is that Fish has been in Hong Kong for the whole winter holiday (I went to London for eight days, a week before school ended (Yayyy!!)) yet she hasn't contacted me at all, ignored my skype messages. She even got to Josrhe (another made up name) , who is such a nice girl. Fish didn't even care about Josrhe last year when she came to my school to visit for a day (she had old primary school friends here who were my friends and that's how we met), in fact I was sure that Fish would've just thought that Josrhe was a loser, even though she isn't. (No one is a loser either!) Sorry if I sound super bitchy and bitter, I'm just really upset about how every single one of my friends can't see past anyone's facade.
Josrhe even invited Fish to her birthday and trust me, not even her other close friends were there. What?
Also, I hate how I'm really excluded from things, this is a very subtle hint that I'm not welcome, I get it.
If my so-called friends can't even be my friends, then what hope is there for me?
I think I've become friendless!!! :O
Stacey. xx
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